What do I do when someone in my family dies?
If your loved one dies at home, the doctor, nurse or medical examiner must "pronounce" the patient. In the hospital the attending physician takes care of this. The first call should be to immediate family. These calls are always difficult, but particularly so if the death is unexpected. The very next call should be to the Funeral Director. Hopefully you have given this some thought so you know whom to call. (See below for a list of funeral directors in our area)
The next call should be to the Rabbi. He or she is available to help you, to offer support and counsel during these first, most traumatic moments after a death occurs. He or she is experienced in this area and can often give you advice and answer any questions you may have. If you have not made any pre-arrangements, he or she can guide you along the way. Additionally, the Rabbi must be consulted in order to schedule the service. Since traditionally, Jewish funerals occur within two - three days after the death, it is important to determine the time of the funeral as quickly as possible so that newspapers, family and friends can be made aware of when and where the service will take place.

What if family members are far away? Can we hold the funeral until their return?
Obviously, it is important that a family be together for the funeral. While Jewish tradition encourages a swift burial, we will make every effort to await the arrival of relatives who are traveling or who live far away.

Where does the funeral take place?
Members of Temple Emanuel of Andover and their families are encouraged to hold the funeral at the Temple. Smaller funerals generally take place in the chapel, (seats about 75) and larger funerals will take place in the sanctuary. It is completely up to the family which venue is chosen. The decision is made entirely based upon the number of people the family expects to attend. Non-members may use the Temple as well, although there is a modest charge. The Funeral Director will include the charge in his bill.

What about a graveside funeral?
Some families prefer a "graveside" funeral, where everything takes place at the cemetery. The funeral director can arrange for a tent if the weather is expected to be inclement and chairs for those who are expected to attend. These funerals tend to be quicker, with less time spent traveling between the temple and the cemetery. If it is expected to be a very small funeral, this option may work better for a family. This choice is completely up to the family.

What is the role of the Funeral Director?
From the moment you call the Funeral Director he or she will take care of all details relating to the funeral. He will arrange for the removal of the deceased from the place of death. The body will be brought to the funeral home for preparation. The Funeral Director will meet with the family that day (or in the case of a night time death, the next day) to discuss information for the obituary. He or she will know all the right questions to ask you in order to be sure the correct information is put into the newspapers. He or she will also help you determine into which newspapers the obituary should go.

The Funeral Director will provide limousines to the service for the immediate family; he or she will provide personnel to guide people who come to the service, the hearse that carries the casket and will make all the arrangements to have the grave opened at the cemetery. He or she will also provide copies of the death certificate for legal purposes, as well as a mourning candle, mourning ribbons, a guest book and acknowledgement cards.

How do I know what to do when I meet with the Funeral Director?
The Funeral Director is required by law to clearly identify every cost. Most of what he provides is pre-determined, however there are some variables.

Casket: Jewish law requires that the casket not be made with any metal parts. Metal is a symbol of war, which is inappropriate at the time of death. Also, since the Bible says "dust you are and to dust you will return’" nothing should inhibit the natural decomposition of the casket. Jewish caskets are made of many different kinds of wood and are generally held together with pegs and glue.  Jewish law also requires modesty in death; the simpler the casket the more in keeping with the tradition. The Funeral Director will show you a range of caskets. Again’ modesty is always the most appropriate way to go.

Shrouds: It is written that in ancient days, the wealthy were buried in their fine clothes, leaving the poor to be buried in rags. So as not to humiliate the poor, the rabbis determined that everyone should be buried in the same shrouds. Shrouds known as "tachrichim" are made of linen and purposely contain no pockets, alluding to the fact that we come into life with nothing, and we take nothing with us. Many people chose tachrichim, others prefer to have their deceased loved ones dressed in their own clothes. The decision is completely up to the family.

Embalming: Embalming, make-up, etc., are considered an insult to the deceased. In rare instances, where the death has taken place far from where the funeral will be, state law requires embalming in order to transport the body. Clearly, the laws of the state need to be respected in such circumstances.

Limousines: Who rides in the limousine? Generally the immediate mourners, including the spouse, children and siblings of the deceased ride in the limousine. Obviously, there is no hard and fast rule on this as it is entirely up to the family.

Are there additional costs?
Members of the temple are entitled to the use of the temple as well as the services of the rabbi and cantor at no cost. It is part of your privileges as dues paying members. Many times families wish to make a contribution to the Rabbi's Discretionary Fund or the Cantor's Music Fund in appreciation of the clergies' support during their bereavement.

What about cemetery plots?
Many Temple members choose to make use of the Temple Emanuel Cemetery on Mt. Vernon St. in South Lawrence. It is a beautiful, secure and well-maintained cemetery. The cost of plots is modest, compared to other cemeteries and it is very convenient to Andover (in fact, while the entrance is in Lawrence, the cemetery itself is technically in Andover). Members of the congregation as well as non-members (at a higher price) can purchase plots in the cemetery. The cemetery's by-laws allow for the burial of non-Jewish spouses/partners, so long as there are no displays of the symbols of other faiths.

For more information regarding the purchasing of plots, you may contact the Temple office at 978-470-1356.

What about pallbearers?
Some people wish to ask close friends, grandchildren or other relatives to serve as pallbearers. It is one more way of honoring the deceased. They can be men or women, Jew or non-Jew; however, they should not be direct mourners (spouse, child, sibling, parent). Sometimes the pallbearers actually carry the coffin from the hearse to the grave sight. In other cases they merely walk along side the casket as it is wheeled from the Temple or funeral home. Pallbearers are strictly optional. It is not necessary to have them. When you meet with the Funeral Director, let him or her know you have designated people to serve as pallbearers (usually 6-8 people). He or she will ask them to identify themselves at the funeral, and they will sit in a designated place.

The Funeral
Depending on the location of the funeral (grave-side, Temple or funeral chapel) you will be picked up (or drive yourself) to the service. It is best if the family gathers at the location of the shiva and travels together from there, since they will all be returning to the shiva house immediately following the service.
The family should arrive at least 45 minutes prior to the service. At the Temple and at most Funeral Chapels, there is a room where people can come and express their sympathy to the mourners prior to the service. If a family does not wish to greet people, the funeral director will ask guests to go directly into the chapel.

The Black Ribbon (K'ria)
Prior to the service, the rabbi will perform k'ria. He or she will place a mourning ribbon on the lapel or blouse of the mourners. Jewish law describes "mourners" as immediate family: parent, child, spouse, or sibling. Though many relatives and friends may experience profound grief, it is inappropriate for anyone else to wear a ribbon. The rabbi will say the dayan ha'emet prayer with you - it is a prayer that acknowledges death as a sad but very real part of our existence - and will then tear the ribbon.

The ribbon is traditionally worn during the period of shiva. Among very orthodox Jews, the cut is made to the clothing (a man's jacket lapel or tie, or a woman's blouse). They would wear the torn clothing for eleven months. Among liberal Jews, (Reform and most Conservative) the ribbon is worn only during the shiva at home, or by some for the first thirty days of mourning (shloshim). When the ribbon is taken off (or lost), it should simply be discarded. It is not a sacred object. The mitzvah (religious commandment) is the cutting, not the wearing. Since it represents a moment of most profound sadness, it is not kept as a keepsake.

After the "rending" (tearing) of the ribbon the family will be escorted into the chapel/sanctuary by the funeral director. The Rabbi will then conduct the service which will include Psalms and other readings, primarily in English, with some Hebrew.

The Eulogy
Jewish tradition proscribes a eulogy (hesped in Hebrew), a tribute to the deceased, which the Rabbi generally delivers. Prior to the funeral, the Rabbi will speak to the family, gathering information for the eulogy.

Occasionally a family member or close friend will ask to say a few words. It is imperative that the remarks are prepared (written) so that if the speaker becomes overwhelmed with emotion, someone else can deliver them. Also, while Jewish tradition considers it an honor for the deceased to be eulogized, it is considered disrespectful for the eulogies to be too lengthy. The speaker must always remember, it is not about him/her; it is about the deceased. When the congregation squirms in discomfort because of a lengthy and inappropriate eulogy, the sanctity and dignity of the service is compromised and the honor due the deceased is diminished.

Getting to the Cemetery
Following the service (about thirty minutes), the family will be directed back into their cars, and will follow the hearse to the cemetery.

For those who need more precise directions, Temple Emanuel's Cemetery is located in Lawrence, MA on Mt. Vernon Street.

From Temple Emanuel, take Route 133 East. Take a left onto Beacon Street, at the corner across from West Parish Church.  Bear right at the fork, remaining on Beacon Street, and go under the highway. At the first stop sign, take a right onto Mt. Vernon Street. The cemetery entrance gate will be about a half a mile down on the right just past the water tower.

At the cemetery the casket will be carried (or rolled) from the hearse to the grave site.

The family and other mourners will be lead to the grave. The Rabbi will say some brief prayers and then kaddish will be said. The Funeral Director will provide little cards or a booklet with the kaddish written in Hebrew and transliteration.

Following kaddish (in some cases before), the mourners will be asked to perform kevurah, placing dirt on the casket. The Jewish tradition teaches that this is the final acknowledgement that death has occurred. It is dramatic and painful, but psychologically sound. This is when the mourning process truly begins.

Kevurah is the last mitzvah, or commandment one can perform on behalf of the deceased. The deceased cannot rise up and thank us. We do it because it is the right thing to do.

It is a folk custom (surely not Jewish law) to use an upside down shovel (the convex side) showing our willingness to perform the mitzvah, and our reluctance at the same time.

No one will ever force you to perform kevurah if you do not wish to do it. Some people find the ritual very difficult; others find it cathartic and therapeutic.

Following the family's completion of kevurah, the Rabbi will ask the congregation to form two parallel lines through which the mourners will walk. These "lines of comfort" represent the communities desire to embrace and support the mourners at the time of their bereavement.

What about Shiva
The word shiva technically means seven. It was the tradition (and still is among orthodox Jews) to "sit" for a full seven days. Generally, more liberal Jews will remain at home for three days, including the day of the funeral. One does not sit on the Sabbath or on Jewish holidays. The Rabbi will help you determine the length of shiva as well as the appropriateness of sitting on certain days.

FUNERAL CHAPELS
Goldman-Fisher Chapel (Harvey/Jay Goldman)
174 Ferry Street, Malden
617-324-1112/978-683-2411

Levine Chapel (Barbara Levine)
470 Harvard Street, Brookline, MA 02446
800-277-8300

Farmer and Sons Chapel (Deke Farmer)
106 Summer Street, Haverhill, MA 01830
978-372-9311

Morse-Bayliss (Walter Bayliss, Jr.)
122 Princeton Blvd., Lowell, MA
978-458-6841

GRAVESTONES
Atwood Memorial Company
Route 125, Ward Hill, Haverhill MA
978-372-4951

Colmer Monument Works
1025 Lawrence Street, Lawrence, MA
978-452-7821